midlife crisis when the fog liftsmidlife crisis when the fog lifts

midlife crisis when the fog lifts28 May midlife crisis when the fog lifts

In particular, shes committed to helping decrease stigma arou My big fear was that if I left the other woman would appear at my door within hours because she had obviously already replaced me online right in front of my face at home so I know he would have had no problem seeing her face to face if I wasnt here especially after finding out he was making secret phone calls to her and never did tell her he was married until I inserted myself in the situation and made it known that he had a wife. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. And I left the room. My CH never said that wanted to leave our marriage, just have fun with somebody else. And I think he knows it too. If I gave marriage advice to any young couple always have a back up plan and emergency $. When I found out he had been seeing her behind my back I reslized the affair was not my fault. I would ask him why cant I get the CH to stop this or do that. Work, go to the bar every day, and come home and see the baby, feel like im available even though he doesnt care all that much, and then do it again. Whatever you decide. The affair started backing up again, but secretly, and turned into a PA. 3 months later, I found evidence of the affair on his computer while he was out with her. He said a TON of stuff, as did I. But it was my Hs idea to change. Someone who would literally do ANYTHING for me. I say my one sentence and leave the room. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. It is not new behavior. NO YELLING! But my suggestions are to get you out from dealing with his choices that undermine the M and disrespect you. But she knew exactly what she was doing. At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. And that started the beginning of him changing. And when I was, I didnt take it. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. So even though I had given him the ability to leave many times he declined. trouble is the tunnel (Mine did too), He expects you to dig serrp the whole thing. From what I have read he is a typical cheater. The affair fog is a mighty grip On reality for the cheater. She said that I am attractive but she isnt attracted to me. He is just st the point of no return and the fact he threw in the towel so easily is not a good sign. Last week I had a suspicion that he was continuing to talk to the OW, and I had a minor blow up. DO NOT ASK IF HE IS LYING. Last night was a big one. Yes! There may be many OW not just the one he is no longer talking to. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. Its not fair to live this way he is either in or out. All Rights Reserved. Youre advise is right on to what is going on with my Husband with his Emotional Affair with a younger office coworker. But it was the most defining moment b/c I took back my power and restored my self esteem. You come first. Given that he has no job right now hes not able to pay you child support or alimony. But yet he wants to see the baby every night. I told him to leave. My only regret is believing him when he said it was over and that he wanted to be with me. 1. Now? I wish I had walked out in the first 60 to 90 days of his online obsession affair with someone else. He threw in the towel. Seriously?! Its funny you said those 2 options bc during our argument the other day he said something like we will never get past this unless you see it my way, or something like that. I proved in a crisis I will be strong and level headed and calm and make good decisions. My friend came to me and let me sob on her shoulder while she told me how she and her H had gotten thru an affair 30 years before, which entailed him moving out and in with the local bartender. im giving him his freedom, im asking no questions. Dday2 was a shock but less so b/c I called OW to get answers on why my H was acting so crazy and irrational. My H never left our home and even when he wanted a divorce the next day he would change his mind. I told him his actions show he wants a different life, he wants to be in the bar most days after work, hanging out with people I dont know. But I get so upset bc I know if he is still speaking with her, he should in NO WAY be living in our home. Just this past weekend, Saturday night he said he was going for drinks with a friend and would be home by 8. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. I had all the lies to me about me and backstabbing two faced bullshit and I couldnt stand any more so I outed my serial cheating husband on Facebook which made our kids mad at guess who NOT THE LYING CHEATER OR HIS MULTIPLE WHORES they were mad at me they blamed me for his screwing sewer rats boy was I hurt to find out HE set me up he played me and our kids off against each other. But right now you are being manipulated and used. It's when they have lost their home, friends, family, and above all else self respect. Its all an excuse for him. I thanked him for apologizing. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. You cannot tell your H to leave and not enforce it. Between the As (2) and the being constantly late (by hours and hours) I was a doormat. I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. Even if he isnt speaking to the OW, his head is still fogged FOR SURE with what he wants for his life. Or get him to make a decision. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. Im sure thats all I will hear from him today. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. But we continue to face issues along the way even 3 years later. I cannot understand. You will get worn down and be emotionally empty. I stumbled on her secret email account by accident and discovered a lengthy email exchange lasting months that was both emotionally and sexually explicit. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. The term the fog can be described as being similar to being brain washed. I dont even know how ill EVER trust him again which is a whole other issue in itself. Youre absolutely right, they are twins! It blows my mind honestly. He married you. Well that stopped after DDay2. Sooooo my point is my therpist would tell me the only thing you can control is your reaction to him. ANYWAY I counsel people now, nothing structured but friends and 2nd connections. Yesterday he left to go get something he left somewhere. It makes my journey/nightmare a little less awful! I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. He got upset and said that is what he wants but he doesnt want it on someone elses terms. Its like im just here, I just exist and as long as he can come home to see the baby and feel like im still around, then he feels good to live whatever life he wants. Start preparing just in case. One thing that may help (though I doubt he will be willing) is some sort of divorce type counseling so that the air is cleared and your relationship with him can be such that the kids do not suffer any further emotional damage. He said I am wrong and that he doesnt want this to keep coming up but also said it shouldnt matter, as we are not working on us right now regardless. But lied about it and snuck around. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. You cant have your husband cheating plus calling all the shots!! But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. When I made him leave and he felt devastated, I felt like I had power. I am so afraid he will feel his life is better without me in it somehow..I dont know HOW WE GOT HERE. But at night when were hanging out, it feels okay. At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. I need to give him his freedom and show him im ok giving him that freedom, but then I have moments where I feel like im being walked all over. Hes been addicted to online porn for a while and a few times he went beyond just getting his little kicks. I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. You make no demands and ask no questions. He is destroying a family but then again he doesnt care. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. Thank you both for your comments of support. You cannot rationalize with crazy. Just to protect yourself. Now? And the next day I had another t shirt on and he was like where are all these t shirts coming from?, bc theyre just old t shirts and he hasnt seen them on me before so hes curious. I need to do the 180 and completely stick to it. Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. Not open to discussion. And then I got in the car and went for a drive. Sometimes I think he does things to test how I will react. He has completely convinced himself he is She said that it was a form of escape and that she would end it. But its not. Biggest mistake I made was letting him be in control of us and me. Dont be surprised if he either refuses or goes just to shut you up. Its indifference. Wow is this awful. See what happens then. Its all so upsetting. its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. Its all hes BEEN doing, so why do I still always give him the benefit of the doubt as if he is above it. As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. In your case your H wants a M on his terms. Major London fog. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. But he was a coward. I am DETERMINED to be happy with or without him, but I would be MUCH HAPPIER with him. He beefed for another chance. You are free to make your own decision. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. Me, almost five months, passed already. Im serious on that sorry to say. Ive posted an update on another thread as now my husband has said he wants to marry her in the future and have kids with her so I need to divorce him. He made that choice. i know its allowing him to cake eat and have things very easy, but I just have to focus on only myself and the baby for now. And when she told me they were s seeing each other it explained everything. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. It seems that most betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out the affair fog and what the hell is going on in the minds of their spouses. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. midlife crisis when the fog lifts Remember the A (or whatever he is doing) is like his drug of choice. I feel like im just being chipped away every day. Probably my fault, I led him on somehow. Let him start to see you are taking your power back. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! You have made some very valid and crucial points: This guy is testing you (I believe he is) and not for any good reason IMO. Started as EA but became more than that. You are wasting your time. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. I was done with his crap and lies and cheating ways. I hope you can get there. You just are not reacting to his cheating. Although he has been. I said go live the life you want to live, just stop coming here afterwards. We discussed him getting his own place might work out better. Please know it is typical cheater behavior. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. But he refused to do it b/c in his words he didnt like being told what to do. Or just dont engage with him except about finances and your baby. I read things that say you have more power than you think, but I seriously feel powerless. My mind truthfully runs rampant, its horrible. I hope he wishes up soon. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. Thats the only time it felt like maybe he was seeing things clearly, and then that quickly went away. I dont know how, but maybe thats the case. I will end up being the one that got away if he lets me get away. You may have to end the conversation if he continues the lies b/c you will go nowhere. (I Believe) this has been going on for about 5 months. K. You are in a very tough position. No begging or pleading. He has been good at keeping in contact with me, although its like once throughout the day, but if he has to work late he informs me, things like that. If the symptoms are It was so bad I had to call the OW to see if she knew what was going on. They kissed that night and he was do upset by his actions that he came home and told me. Stay strong. He makes sly comments sometimes. And now im alone in a way, with a baby, with a husband that isnt sure that he wants to be a husband anymore. I was not the cause of his unhappiness. Let them talk. My husband is a liar he has been his whole life . Then its over. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. That being said there are things the spouse can do that can cause further damage during the fog. But maybe im wrong. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. I thought we were past the A. Plan your own social life dont feel obligated to include him in you plans. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. My CH knew the affairs were wrong and hurtful, but couldnt see the harm in keeping a young, 20 something friend. I made sure he knew if he sat at the dinner table with me and children it was a privilege and a gift and dont count on it. To help you both get back on track. When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. Is that stupid? Unfortunately I, like you, and everyone here knows what it is like to be blindsided by an affair. That she loved me. All of my actions have done nothing to move her away from the AP. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. And I dont say a word. Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. Fog is lifting, now what? - DivorceBusting.com It can lead to a renewed marriage. Stop trying to fix it or him. I dont seem to know how to achieve and stick to ONE thing. Its so much pain. The OW was history and he was doing everything possible to make amends. Returning Back: The First Awakening Last year I lost and then gained 30lbs. I left and am now sleeping at a friends house. I have written a very long response but feel very weird posting it on here all about my life. This went on for years. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. For context, I cheated and my wife and I worked through it. Unfortunately he used all of my suggestions against me with the OW. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. He was no longer a bit arrogant. But it is not ok for him to drag you down the black hole of indecisiveness with him. I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. I dont understand how I can still love someone this deeply after all of these things and how angry I am every single day. I told him he had to leave. I check his phone an hour later and manage to access his work email, where I find emails back and forth the weekend before with the OW from work. He has to want it enough to try, and hes DEFINITELY not there yet. He is probably cheating too but I dont care or try to know or find out. (Which was about a month ago now) And We had a very lengthy, crying convo, which ended with a long hug and him apologizing and saying he knows its all his fault and he wishes he could take it back and maybe down the road we could be okay and we decided no Divorce or custody arrangements, that he would give me some time and we would make a schedule for him and the baby. I think of suicide quite often now. But I just dont know how to act. The worst was when I called at some point and one of the secretaries told me that they had gone to lunch. Im removing myself from it, not the baby. Second was he was proving he was changing. When theyre addicted to it like you said, can ANYTHING help them come out of it? I heard from my H of 25 years that he told me I only married him to spite my parents. And because of all those lies, they cant even reason with him about everything he is giving up. Over time, they really begin to believe all the lies theyve told themselves. These are the things I did with my H. The Red Flags were he refused counseling. While I was busy raising and looking after everything in my house, he was busy looking after himself. I dont know..Ive thought about going to a psychologist but I cant afford it. The A fog (the state yiur H is in) will make you crazy. Given equal emotional connection, his investment in his wife and family is much more important than any investment in the OW. 25 years I loved him and have him the best and that is what he told me!! I think its also the type of people he befriends. I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. Why would she. We would be more intimate. I wonder, if/when the fog clears, how do you lay a new foundation of trust in the age of smartphones and computers? im praying that if we can give eachother time then we will be able to build a new relationship. What is terrible is that your H is keeping you in limbo and not putting his M or you first. But he did end up staying the night on the couch. Just remember he is addicted to his new lifestyle. It really feels like if I give him any inkling that I want to be with him, he doesnt care. Of course he could be lying to me. Webmidlife crisis when the fog lifts. Im sorry you are hurting and yes its now 7 years and we are happily reconciled. Justify and rationalize the cheating and lifestyle choices in any way necessary. I think to myself that I know he sees me in a different light than he sees her, I know the type of woman I am, and the type of woman that she seems to be, and I cannot comprehend WHAT it is about her that he was willing to risk it all. At age 47, after years of struggling to find security in academia, he had received tenure. If I would have confronted you with the phone calls and you ended it, it would have been so much easier to forgive. It just feels so wrong, I feel like we will end up hating eachother. If you no longer want him to hang out in bars w/out you present, then you need to clearly state that during MC or in your talks to him. Im hoping that today and yesterday feel SO awful bc he is out of town and its just making me crazy, I am hoping once he is back in town I will not feel this horrible. Or someone who has high standards or morals. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out.

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